Mother of god, I haven’t written in so long it’s like I’ve forgotten ALL ABOUT THIS BLOG! Well, don’t you worry your little faces, because I finally remembered my password (just kidding, it’s saved on my browser. I’m not an animal) and I’ve got a post that will help YOU become a better YOU in 2015, girlfriend. We all know that New Year’s resolutions are total bullshit that no one ends up following, but I’m about to change all that. How? I’m going to give you 5 sports-themed resolutions that even the most non-sports watcher can follow. They may not make you skinny, but they will um…uh. They WILL make you read for a little bit and we all know Oprah recommends reading so we should TOTALLY DO IT!! And they are 100% paleo.
So, here are 5 sports-themed resolutions, along with 5 alternatives, because I just want you guys to be successful, okay?
RESOLUTION #1: Stop putting sports logo tattoos on your face. If there’s one thing that makes you look like a total dumbass, it’s face tattoos. I don’t care how much you love the Chicago Bulls, keep that sticker on your bicep or lower back, and show everyone at the bar how classy you are. Guaranteed if you flex your bicep to show someone your tattoo, they will not stop talking about how big it is for the duration of the game (the tattoo, not your bicep. Conceited much?).
Oh girl, you look so good!
ALTERNATIVE: Get a permanent sports logo tattoo on your face. If you insist on putting this shit on your face, you may as well show us how badass you are by getting the real thing. The bigger the better, am I right ladies? Be the next Mike Tyson. You got this.
RESOLUTION #2: Stop playing Fantasy Football. Seriously, you have no idea what you’re doing. You always lose. You’re basically throwing money and your pride into a pit from which you can never reach it again. Just stop. Okay?
ALTERNATIVE: You’re not going to stop are you? That little glimmer of hope that you’ll win is too strong to ignore. So, how about you actually learn how to play correctly? Like, I dunno, strategize or something. Pick players based on skill and not on how they look. Pick teams based on their record, not on which teams names aren’t terrible. You can do this, girl. 2015 is YOUR YEAR!
RESOLUTION #3: No more fighting over sports. C’mon, let’s stop fighting over sports teams. If you’ve ever punched someone in the face because they like a different sport team than you, you’re unstable and you need to get your life in order. Take 2015 to learn how to be a decent human being.
ALTERNATIVE: If you must fight, win. JUST KIDDING DON’T FIGHT! But like, if you do, you should win. Because winning really is everything.
RESOLUTION #4: Try a new sport! Fencing, horse racing, ice hockey, billiards, whatever you think you can get through without crying or vomiting, DO THAT! Just try, maybe you’ll be the best at it. Remember, winning is everything. And if you lose, that’s okay. You can always try the alternative below.
ALTERNATIVE: Fill your bathtub with your preferred alcoholic beverage (something fun and flirty), grab a twisty straw that’s long enough to reach your bed, and then drink it until it feels like you’re really good at a sports. I’ve never tried this, but it seems legit.
RESOLUTION #5: Spend more time outdoors. Take in the beauty around you. Go row a boat on the lake, go ice skate down the side of a mountain, paraglide off of the roof of your building, play bocce ball with a bear. LIVE LIFE!
ALTERNATIVE: HAHAHAHAHA just kidding. Go to a bar and watch sports because this is America god damnit. The more sitting you can do, the better. Take a nap. Watch the Discovery channel in between bites of brownie chocolate chip cookie dough caramel fro-yo. Taste that? That’s the sweet tang of freedom. BE FREE IN 2015 YA’LL!
HAPPY NEW YEAR! And good luck, you crazy sports fans. You got this. Your teams are gonna be awesome this year, and you will win all of the bar fights. I believe in you. But really, don’t fight because your face is just too beautiful for that.
The World Cup is coming to a close this Sunday, July 13th, and while I’m going to be sad to see all of these hot soccer players go — I’m certainly going to be insanely more productive (and Google may remove me from their “perverts” list). We’ve moved onto the final round, where you will be voting for your favorite team out of four. And let me tell you, this isn’t going to be easy. Each team will have six photos, and YOU will decide who wins the FIRST EVER Hotness World Cup!!
Full disclosure: I attempted to write this post last night, but my doctor just prescribed me some pain killers and I couldn’t formulate sentences good. So, I apologize for the delay, but here you go! HOT SOCCER PLAYERS:
Jordan Brian Henderson
Sergio Aguero and Pablo Zabaleta
Veloso & Ronaldo
A couple of World Cup observations:
1. They really need to make a more efficient way of finding hot soccer players on Instagram. I’ve spent MINUTES and MINUTES of Instagram searching because I need more hotness in my life. I would suggest some changes to how FIFA does things (like, uh, be a decent organization), but we all know how that goes.
Here are a couple of must-follow soccer players on Instagram-
And if you follow soccer hotties on Instagram, you get to see things like this:
2. All people have been talking about are dramatic soccer players, but can we please discuss the dramatic AUDIENCE? They’re always crying. Full grown adults are crying. CHILDREN are crying. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that they were just projecting the end of Homeward Bound on the field at the end of each game (oh my god, now I’m crying).
Not to sound insensitive, but if someone could please find me the gif of the Brazilian child who was crying today when Germany scored like 4 goals in a row, I would be forever grateful. It’s for science.
3. If the World Cup were determined by dancing skills, Colombia would surely win.
I can’t wait to see who you vote to be the 2014 Hotness World Cup Champion!!
*Note: I own none of these images or gifs, nor will I ever be taken off of Google’s “perverts” list. Sorry, I just love my readers so much that I have to Google things that are inappropriate.
PS – I was recently informed that I have readers who have no idea what I look like (weird), and I have been writing about my Fit4Pride experience, which has given some people the idea that I’m approximately 500 pounds. I’m not! Nor was I ever, but it was still an amazing experience, and I learned A TON (no pun intended). In 6 weeks I lost 16 pounds, 6% body fat and 4 inches off of my belly! Super exciting! As promised, here is my Before & After photo (my apologies for the quality, the phone that these came from was not an iPhone)(I’m a snob, big surprise):
The World Cup is well underway, and it has been an absolute PLEASURE to watch (soccer butts soccer butts soccer butts soccer butts).
First off, I’m sorry Spain and Portugal…I guess when you’re made up of that many hotties, you don’t necessarily get extra powers to be better at soccer. Those games were difficult to watch, but I’m always here if any players need me. ANY. PLAYERS. K, guys? Seriously, I’m like the Walmart of humans — filled with rotting fruit, my meat is questionable, but I’m always open.
Second, YAY USA and Colombia!! Two great games, two great outcomes! I actually went to a bar at 9:00am to watch the Colombia game (I am 28 days sober and counting for my Fit4Pride challenge, and going to bars is difficult for me right now), and there was a large group of screaming Colombians. It was incredible, minus one girl who was screaming like she was repeatedly being injected with poison. It was a vocal pitch that would make a dog whistle jealous. However, it was a fun environment for watching Colombia beat Greece. Oh, poor Greece…we were all drooling into our eggs over the hot Greek men.
The Hotness World Cup, on the other hand, is moving onto Round 2, and boy is it going to be tough. So many soccer butts, so little time. For this round, it’s two teams against each other, and 4 teams total will move onto the semi-finals! Each team will have a team photo, along with two of the best pictures I could find on the internet (I’ve been Googling for DAYS, don’t call me a hero). So let’s go!
Judge’s Comments: Cameroon is extremely attractive, but they beat some extremely attractive teams — Brazil, Croatia and Mexico. Can they move forward when they’re up against Spain? Can I move forward when there’s a spider in my doorway? All signs point to — no.
Judge’s Comments: From what I’ve heard, Spain has a lot of support from bulge watchers and butt lookers everywhere. Look for them to move onto the semi-finals. Then again, I’ve been wrong before (Okay, that was ONE time).
Judge’s Comments: Greece easily defeated their competitors in the first round — Ivory Coast, Colombia and Japan. This isn’t surprising though, since Greece is made up of gods. PRAISE BE TO GODS!
Judge’s Comments: In the first round, I was more into Greece, but now I’m finding England to be incredibly delicious. This is going to be a tough round — you guys are doing the work of SAINTS, I tell you.
Fabian Schar (right)
Judge’s Comments: Switzerland blew through the competition in the first round, but can they continue their good fortune? Argentina provides some sexy, Latin competition.
Ezequiel “Pocho” Lavezzi
Judge’s Comments: Oh man, Argentina. I would compliment you even more, but I’m feeling faint from that picture of Pocho. Someone needs to come hose me down.
Judge’s Comments: Portugal could win the whole thing (they are seriously beautiful), and they should breeze past Belgium. Miguel Veloso, SWOON!
Dries Mertens and Daniel Van Buyten
Judge’s Comments: Sorry Belgium, you’re facing a very difficult opponent. Portugal may have flopped during the World Cup, but the Hotness World Cup is a whole new balls game.
What has been your favorite part of the World Cup so far? Who is your World Cup soccer hottie? Vote, comment, share with your friends and talk to me about soccer! I’m a great listener. Although, let’s not talk about how dramatic soccer players are because sometimes they are really hurt you guys.
Okay, no they’re not. GET UP YOU BIG BABIES!! THIS IS SOCCER, NOT THE FUCKING ULTIMATE FIGHTER.
The World Cup starts next Thursday, June 12th, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start the party early. Kind of like football, I don’t super understand soccer (but I’m learning!!), so I thought it would be worth our time to vote on which teams should win their groups based on player hotness. Because, obviously this is how sports works. I will show you the 3(ish) hottest players from each team by group and then YOU, THE VIEWERS vote on who should win that group. Then, we will make them battle it out in the championship. The winner will be determined by YOU, and that team will be the official winner of the first ever Braxton’s Sports Blog About Sports Hotness World Cup. It’s basically like American Idol, but instead of singing it’s just being attractive in soccer shorts and having a hot body AND I’M J’LO (pre and post Marc Anthony)! Unfortunately, I can’t afford to pay them a cash prize, or even give them a trophy, but I will give a kiss to the winners. You’re welcome. SO WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!? Let’s objectify some men and vote on the looks of soccer players!
*Straight men, you too can play along! I know you have favorite teams, so just choose them by that…or by hotness it’s really up to you. But please vote. If you’re worried that this is going to hurt your masculinity, please get a grip.
Judge’s Comments: (a.k.a me a.k.a the J’Lo of judging sports hotness): I don’t know what is going on in Brazil, but a lot of their players are only known by one name (Like Neymar and Hulk). I guess if you’re that attractive, you’re allowed to refer to yourself as one of the Avengers.
Eduardo da Silva
Judge’s Comments: Dejan Lovren is really carrying this team right now (and I would like to be carrying him…on my face).
Javier Hernández Balcázar
Judge’s Comments: It’s no secret that I admire the looks of Mexican men (okay, any men of Hispanic or Latino origin), so Mexico you’ve got it goin’ ON!
Guy N’dy Assembé
Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting
Judge’s Comments: Oh America (and um, the rest of the world who reads this?) you have a hard decision. This team is hot hot hot!
Judge’s Comments: Spain’s team is so hot, that I literally couldn’t narrow it down to 3 players. Oh, also, Gerard Pique is married to fucking SHAKIRA. So, think about that.
Nigel de Jong
Robin van Persie
Judge’s Comments: Oh you fine Dutch bastards. You have some tough competition from Spain, but I have faith in you.
Judge’s Comments: I have NO idea how you’re going to choose between these teams. This group is HARD! Chile is in it to WIN it. And by “it” I mean “my body.”
Judge’s Comments: Screw the shrimp. I’m about to throw MYSELF on the BARBIE out of pure hotness overload!
Aldo Leao Ramirez
Judge’s Comments: I may be biased since I recently visited Colombia, and have some Colombian friends, but I’m rooting for Colombia in the actual World Cup so I will most likely be voting for them here. VAMOS COLOMBIA!
Judge’s Comments: Holy shit, who wants to go visit Greece??
Côte d’Ivoire (Ivory Coast)
Judge’s Comments: Somehow I’ve gone my entire life without knowing that this was a country…
Judge’s Comments: Team Japan really loves their hair bleach. My inner fifth grader is saying “LOOK!! IT’S COOL TO BLEACH YOUR HAIR!” No, it’s not you stupid fifth grader stop talking to me.
Judge’s Comments: Honest to God question: Is Luis Suarez actually Nigel Thornberry? SMASHING!
Judge’s Comments: It’s going to take a miracle for Uruguay to move on in this bracket.
Judge’s Comments: FINALLY we have some English hotties. *It’s taking all of my energy to not insert a picture of the Queen*
Daniele De Rossi
Judge’s Comments: *In my best Italian accent (which is awful)* MAMMA WANTSA SOCCA PLAYA!
Judge’s Comments: Who knew Switzerland produced this many hot men?? So far, this has to be my favorite group. I spent a good 10 minutes Googling (and oogling) these men, just for the fun of it.
Judge’s Comments: The team as a whole could use some work, but this group of men is hot hot hot!
Judge’s Comments: I have been WAITING to get to French men, and they did not disappoint.
Judge’s Comments: I want to cut off Victor Bernardez’ biceps and hot glue them to my arms. LOOK AT HOW PRETTY I AM!!
Ezequiel “Pocho” Lavezzi
Judge’s Comments: Choosing 3 from Argentina was extremely difficult because this team is filled with hotties. But, I’m doing God’s work. Don’t call me a hero.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Judge’s Comments: Fun fact: In my head, I pronounce this “Her-zeh-vagina” and totally not on purpose. Back on topic, these men are incredibly attractive.
Judge’s Comments: Iran’s team isn’t very attractive as a whole, but after seeing these three IRAN to take a cold shower. (God damnit Braxton, country puns are not funny please shut the fuck up)
Judge’s Comments: HOTTIE ALERT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Judge’s Comments: Eh, I’ve seen better. PS- I’m sorry Germany, but Portugal is up next and even you would admit defeat.
Rafael ‘Rafa’ Silva
Judge’s Comments: I don’t know how it’s possible for an entire team of soccer players to be this attractive, but Portugal has it goin’ ON! Also, Christiano Ronaldo is so beautiful I 100% CAN’T.
Judge’s Comments: Are you GHANA vote for these guys?? *bah boom cchhhhhkkk*
United States of America
Judge’s Comments: Much like in the real soccer playing World Cup, the ol’ United States of America has some stiff competition in this bracket. USA, you have some great talent, but better luck next year. I’m always here if you need a shoulder to kiss cry on.
Judge’s Comments: Starting us off strong is Belgium! I won’t make a waffle reference, but I would be willing to drizzle syrup over these gentlemen.
Judge’s Comments: It’s another tough bracket, and I don’t see Algeria moving on. However, they’re making a very good effort.
Judge’s Comments: If big Russian men is your thing, this team is like a tall glass of vodka — terrifying, dangerous, but I would drink it.
Judge’s Comments: (Slightly) less hair dye than Japan, so that’s always a step in the right direction.
Now that you’ve voted, share with your friends! Vote again! Keep looking at hot soccer men, because that’s what life is really about, now isn’t it? We’ll keep voting until we have a Hotness World Cup winner, which is basically as great as winning the actual World Cup. Right? Hello? Keep your eye out for a follow up post where will be voting on the winners from each group!
Also, I learned that it’s extremely difficult to find pictures of soccer players not looking like they’re blowing out birthday candles, but when you do, it’s totally worth the adventure.
*Note: I own NONE of these pictures! If you own a picture and would like for me to remove it, just let me know!
I just finished week 2 of my Fit4Pride program, but it feels like 2 lonnnnngggggg months. This week was much more difficult than the last, mostly because my body hasn’t gone this long without chips and salsa in…ever?
1. In week 1 I was feeling skinny and fit, and in week 2 I bloated up like a dead whale. Apparently the human body does this thing where when you start eating healthy, it tries to kill you. In reality, the enzymes that digest food and the millions of bacteria that live in the stomach are adjusting to more lean meats, fruits and veggies, and the lack of easy-access sugars (like junk food). This is all well and good, but my stomach hurt for a solid week, my farts smelled liked someone lit a stockyard on fire, and my bowel movements were frequent and terrifying.
2. I’m experiencing cravings like a pregnant woman. As a reminder, I have cut out all junk food, alcohol, non-whole wheat carbs, and *most* cheese. In their place, I eat a lot of lean meats, a lot of vegetables, fruit, whole grains (like brown rice, whole wheat couscous, whole wheat tortillas), and A LOT of hummus. You could probably dip a carrot in my breath.
This means my cravings are THROUGH THE ROOF. An extreme example: The other day I thought about a Chinese pork bun…that was filled with Cheetos. Just think about the soft bun with a crunch of fake cheese (MY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE INVENT THAT). Other foods I have been craving include, but are not limited to: Reeses Puffs, Funfetti Cupcakes with Funfetti frosting, chocolate ice cream (I NEVER eat ice cream), Doritos (literally every flavor), queso, gorgonzola fries, Elysian french fries (they’re double fried, you guys), Arbys big beef and cheddar, every single thing on the menus of Jack in the Box and Taco Bell, Little Caesars hot & ready pepperoni pizza, creamy cheeses, salami, and RED WINEEEEEEE.
3. Alcohol is easy to avoid, but only if you don’t do anything with your friends. Week 2 was particularly challenging for me because I had an office party with various cocktails from around the world (I turned down a champagne cocktail and a margarita in a single breath), my best friend with whom I eat and drink all of things came to visit, I went to a concert that was located IN A BAR, and I attended a wedding (with incredible amounts and varieties of booze). I actually had the thought that maybe I could smuggle a glass of champagne into the bathroom and no one would see me drink it, but uhhh that’s fucking sketchy so I decided against it. So, I’ve been drinking a lot of water, soda water and occasionally a FLAVORED soda water when I feel especially sad. Honestly, the only alcohol that I’ve craved is red wine. Okay, and champagne. I would kill someone, drink a mimosa, then go to prison and probably be okay with it at this point (just kidding, don’t arrest me).
Fun/horrible fact that I learned about alcohol: Apparently, the human body doesn’t know how to store alcohol or use it for rebuilding itself, so it immediately burns it up as energy. This means that while your body is burning the alcohol, it starts storing everything else that you put in it as fat (aka late night burritos and hamburgers literally go straight to your ass). I *hate* that I learned this tidbit, but I guess it will help me in the long run…maybe?
4. Mood swings are real, and awful. Apparently another part of the eating healthy transition is feeling every single emotion within an hour. I’ve gone from hysterically laughing to incredibly offended to feeling inspired by the world all in a single conversation. For those of you who have been around me, I apologize. These mood swings will be over soon (or one would hope). If you hire an exorcist, just make sure he’s attractive so I don’t jump out of a window.
5. I have increased amounts of energy. I wake up early, I work out 6 times a week, I run ERRANDS…WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!? I tried to nap the other day and ended up ironing my clothes. I HATE ironing. Overall, while I may be mentally unstable, my physical body is getting shit done which is actually quite wonderful.
While my official weigh-in is tomorrow, I have lost 7 pounds total so far!! And now that my body is deflating, I’m starting to see a real difference. I have about 4 weeks left, so I’m pretty excited about how much more I’ll change by then. As always, if you have any tips, recipes, words of wisdom, etc…I would love to hear them in the comments or on Twitter!! Thanks again for the support, because sometimes I feel like this:
*Note: I don’t own any gifs. Don’t sue me or I may start crying.
Holy crap! Time has gone by so quickly, I didn’t even realize that my last entry on here was in February!! So much sports has happened!! Winter Olympics (not enough Speedos), March Madness (I, like everyone else, did awful), NFL Draft (Michael Sam kissed his boyfriend and Fox News shit their britches — which, speaking of, if you have a problem with two men kissing but are totally fine with watching men wrestle in singlets or smacking each other on the ass while wearing tights, you’re a fucking asshole), etc etc… I’m sorry, I dropped the ball!! I promise to be better, I PROMISE!!! Sometimes I just need to refuel my batteries to write. I’m recharged, and ready! And, don’t worry, I’m preparing myself for the World Cup.
In the meantime, I have embarked on a new adventure and figured it may be useful (or humiliating) for me to document this on my blog about sports. As some of you may know, I am a Fit4Pride contestant this year!
Fit4Pride is a 6-week program where 10 contestants are chosen (I had to write an essay, this shit is real) and are given a personal trainer, nutrition guidelines, workout routine, and a two month gym membership and is sponsored by Seattle Pridefest and Gold’s Gym. This started last week, and oh my god you guys…working out and eating healthy is hard.
First off, I’m not allowed to eat any processed foods, junk foods, or drink ALCOHOL. I’ve been sober for one week and I’m not even sick. My idea of a fun time is adding avocado to a meal. I also can’t eat chips, which apparently was like 30% of my diet. It has been quite the adjustment to buy all healthy foods like fruits and vegetables and lean proteins and AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! My bowel movements have never been more frequent.
I’m also working out close to 5 times a week. I took my first spin class in YEARS and thought I was going to pass out and puke. I have to attend a “bootcamp” every weekend, and I seriously thought I was going to die during the first one. My first personal training session actually made me puke. Have you guys ever done “mountain climbers?” THEY’RE THE DEVIL’S EXERCISE!
My body has never been this sore in my life. When I walk I look like I dropped the soap in a prison. Also, the gym where I work out is the Gold’s Gym on Capitol Hill which is FILLED TO THE BRIM with gay men, which makes me extra anxious about how much I’m sweating/looking like an idiot.
What I’m getting at is I’ve been working my ass off for the last week, and it has definitely been difficult. Changing my lifestyle to include this much gym time PLUS eating healthy has been a real adjustment. However, the payoff is already incredible. I stepped on the scale today, as today marks the first full week of the program. Before I started this Fit4Pride program, I weighed 186 pounds. Today when I stepped on the scale, it read 181 pounds! I LOST 5 POUNDS IN ONE WEEK!
And it’s not just about losing weight. I physically feel better, sleep extremely well, and ultimately feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. I also know so much more about my own body, and how I should be working out to achieve my desired results. While I may be extremely bipolar for now (sometimes mamma just craves a Ding Dong but can only eat a carrot), I’m looking forward to getting to a point where I’m completely used to this new diet/workout change. I’m writing this blog to show the challenges of attempting something like this, but also to show the real impacts and positive changes that can result. LISTEN TO ME, I SOUND LIKE OPRAH!!!
So follow along on this mentally insane journey, and on week six (the weekend of Seattle Pride), I will be posting before and after pictures. I appreciate all of the support from my friends who have already given me workout/food/clothing tips, and would love any additional tips that you guys may have!
First off, let me say thank you to those who read Braxton’s Sports Blog About Sports, and actually care enough to send me links and ideas for blog posts. Waking up to emails and social notifications from those of you who actually want me to write about a specific piece of sports news is incredibly flattering and I appreciate all of you! January saw the highest number of readers so far, and I am so happy that you take the time to read, share, and engage me in the crayyyyzay world of sports. Thank you!
The big news in sports this week was Michael Sam, a football player who is looking to be drafted into the NFL this year, coming out as gay. This, as you’ve read repeatedly, would make him the first ever openly gay player in the NFL. This news, as with all LGBT-related news, has been met with either encouragement or contempt. While Michael Sam isn’t the first player to come out as a professional athlete, he is certainly reigniting the conversation about gay athletes.
As a result, it has made me think a lot about homophobia in sports. There’s a lot that can be said on this topic, so I’ll try not to retread worn ground. But one thing that has bothered me in particular is that whenever a gay player (male, female, transgender) comes out, the first thing on people’s minds is “WHAT ABOUT THE LOCKER ROOM??”
Why does every interview or sports report that discusses a homosexual athlete take the conversation into the locker room? Why is it that we talk about the locker room situation more than the fact that you don’t have to BE STRAIGHT to play sports? Additionally, what kind of message is that sending gay youths who play sports? This just puts the thought into their brains that the locker room is an unsafe or uncomfortable place for LGBT people.
If you are asking the question, “What is going to happen in that locker room now that a gay player is in there?”, YOU are homophobic. If you’re afraid of showering near or even sharing a locker room with a gay athlete, you’re homophobic. Why? Because you’re afraid that he or she is going to come onto you while you’re naked. IF that gay athlete were to do that, you know what that’s actually called? Rape. And if you think gay athletes are going to rape you in the locker room, you’re homophobic.
Let me tell you something about locker rooms: You go in there to change your clothes, and make yourself presentable to the outside world. Unless you’re in a fictional gay porn, chances are you’re not going to walk into a locker room where a gay individual is forcing or enticing a straight individual to have sex. If you’re worried that a gay person is going to convince you to have sex with them, YOU are gay.
You know what I do in the locker room? I change my clothes and sometimes, if I’m feeling brave, I step on the scale. You know what I don’t do? I don’t walk around and prey on straight men who have wandered away from the herd.
Also, I used to live in a college dorm. Straight men have absolutely zero problem with slinging their penises around. In fact, it’s almost like they prefer to do it in front of each other. BUT OH NO SOMEONE IS GAY, which means THEY CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE without someone watching WAAAAAHHHHH!!! For the record, a penis in motion has almost zero appeal to me (or anyone?). It’s like watching Mr. Snuffleupagus on a jog.
Personally, I think it’s a pretty simple request that if you’re going to act gay, you should at least respect people who are ACTUALLY gay.
I look forward to the day when an athlete coming out as gay doesn’t immediately bring up questions about locker room dynamics. The locker room dynamic is going to stay the same — people are probably going to see other people naked. Being gay isn’t going to make that any different.
So, let’s take a second to thank Michael Sam, Brittany Griner, Jason Collins, Rosie Jones, Orlando Cruz, Megan Rapinoe, Matthew Mitcham, Kye Allums, Billie Jean King, Sheryl Swoopes, Tom Daley, and other out-and-proud athletes for taking all of the homophobic bullshit that is thrown their way while being a professional athlete. They’re showing other athletes that you can be yourself and follow your dreams. Your sexual orientation shouldn’t be (and isn’t) a deterrent to your talent.
*Note: I don’t own any of these photos or gifs.
PS – I promise a Winter Olympics post is coming, but they make me so anxious because every surface is slippery. Everyone is one wrong step away from a concussion or broken bone.
Yesterday, 111.5 MILLION people watched the Seattle Seahawks turn the Denver Broncos into glue (making it the most watched US television event EVER). The final score was 43-8, and with that, football season is over. Thank Christ too, because my body is about to pack its bags and get the hell outta here, leaving my stupid stupid brain and mouth behind to fend for themselves. Oh, Braxton, did you forget about the Monday Hangover rule that you posted LITERALLY ONE WEEK AGO you DAMNED fool? If you Google “pile of garbage” or “garbage dump,” a picture of me is most likely the first result.
I’ve written a lot about football lately, so here are some quick highlights from a mostly one-note (GO HAWKS!!!) game:
What in the actual hell is Joe Namath wearing? How many women were slapped in order for him to wear this coat? Maybe he thinks he’s Macklemore?
12 seconds in, and Broncos immediately lose their shit.
Peyton Manning looking sad was the most entertaining thing in the world, and perfectly embodied how every Broncos fan was feeling during the game. Sorry about it.
I’M STILL CRYING OVER THIS OKAY LAY OFF ME THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS!! If you need me, I’ll be sobbing into my dip.
(Insert Bruno Mars and Red Hot Chili Flakes gif here because I just can’t zzzzzzzzz….)
About two songs into Bruno Mars’ set, I walked downstairs where others were watching Beyonce’s halftime show from last year. And yes, it was still amazing.
Best part about this gif? The Seahawks started celebrating victory with 5 minutes left in the game. 😦 They even brought in their second string quarterback…Oof.
Aw…Eli. It’s okay buddy…
HAWKS WIN! I’M DRUNK!
Congratulations Seahawks! It was a great year for Seattle football. Now it’s time for liver recovery. Thanks FOR NOTHING champagne.
First off, the Seahawks are in the Super Bowl against the Broncos!!!! (Insert overstated, completely unfunny “Super Bowl” joke here). Hey EVERYONE, that “Super Bowl” joke about the two states who have legalized marijuana was funny during the TWO seconds after the Seahawks vs 49ers game when it was introduced. Please, stop posting it.
Super Bowl viewing can be hard, so let me give you 10 rules for getting the most out of your Super Bowl Sunday:
1. Beware of the Monday hangover.
Trust me on this one. You start drinking on Sunday, with the intention of just having a couple of drinks. Then, the game gets intense so you drink MORE! You start taking shots (possibly dropped into a red bull), and think “Monday hangovers aren’t THAT bad.” Then you start drinking whiskey on the rocks because you’re “classy,” even if you can’t pronounce “words.” Well, my simple reader, Monday hangovers are, IN FACT, the worst. You wake up feeling like someone has thrown all of your organs into a blender, and then they take those organ chunks and hot glue them back together. Then, they put your organ pieces back into your body, and complete the process by smashing you in the head with a brick. You spend your day barely seeing people through swollen eyes, and waves of nausea hit you as if you’re watching Ron Jeremy’s sweaty penis dangle in front of you. People talk to you, but you can barely hear them due to the gurgling of your body about to reject your hot glued organs. You spend half of your day wondering how you could have possibly swallowed so much sand. In fact, everything tastes like sand.
So please, be careful of your beverage consumption and by all means, drink water. If you’re drinking, please call a cab to get home. “Sobering up” within an hour isn’t a thing. The reason you die (or kill someone) shouldn’t be Super Bowl related.
2. Prepare for ultimate disappointment with the halftime show.
Beyonce officially had the greatest halftime show in the history of the world and no single person (or group, for that matter) will ever compare. Bruno Mars? Really NFL? How about we call up Charlotte Church while we’re at it? To give credit to the NFL, they were really fighting an uphill battle when they had to choose the performer following Beyonce. I mean, we’re talking about the woman who released a secret album, complete with 17 music videos. Bow down, bitches.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
JUST KIDDING! This is the Super Bowl. Take a chicken mcnugget, dip it in velveeta. Take that velveeta covered chicken nugget and put it on a pizza. Then, dip the pizza in velveeta and throw some cool ranch Doritos on it. Top with salsa (optional). This is America, where we can eat whatever we want and then feel entitled complain about the prices of healthcare. That, my friends, is the smell of cheesy freedom.
4. Make a bomb ass dip.
Speaking of food, everyone’s favorite food at the Super Bowl is dip (probably followed by wings). Chip dip, wing dip, dip dip WHATEVER YOU WANT! Don’t know what to make for the big day? DIP! And obviously bring something to dip into the dip because we’re not animals. MMM. Dip.
5. Keep your shit together.
Seattle fans in particular: don’t throw fucking FOOD at the opposing team!! How can we as a people avoid all possible eye contact or conversation with other people on the street, but then at a sports game we throw FOOD at an injured player from the other team?? It’s SPORTS. Not the running of the fucking bulls, so please chill out. Being competitive is great and totally normal, being an asshole is something that is better left to Ann Coulter.
Also, if you engage in a bet with someone, don’t be unbearable when you lose. You knew there was a 50% chance that you were going to lose. Nobody has time for your bullshit.
6. Take a moment to watch the Puppy Bowl.
May I suggest watching this during halftime? Why? Uhhh because puppies. That’s why.
7. Take another moment to watch the Kitten Bowl.
Because kittens. If that’s too many moments, at least try to catch the Kitten Halftime Show during the Puppy Bowl. That will be much more entertaining than the Bruno Mars’ halftime show I PROMISE you THAT (Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh on Bruno Mars…I just have a lot of feelings). CATS AND DOGS AND PUPPIES AND KITTIES!!!!!!!!
8. Learn your place.
You should learn within 10-15 minutes of being wherever you are, where exactly you belong. There’s always a crowd who is intensely watching the game, and a crowd who could give a shit. If you are someone who is going to sit with the first crowd, but you don’t care much about football, learn when to shut the hell up. During the Super Bowl (especially if you are in Seattle or Denver), that crowd does not care about your dog. They do not care about what you brought to eat (or whatever you’re chomping on). They don’t care to hear about your weekend. If you insist on talking about something other than football or the commercials, please escort yourself to the other crowd immediately. If you go to the other crowd and complain that the football-watchers told you to be quiet, please continue to shut the hell up. This isn’t personal. This is Sparta football.
9. The commercials are funny, watch them.
For a lot of people, Super Bowl commercials are the best part. If you’re talking during all of them, people are going to get annoyed. Again, find your crowd. If you’re being shushed, shush. I’m not saying to be completely silent during the entire Super Bowl. The kitchen is a great place to chat. Even commentary during the game and commercials is fine. But, read the room. If you are talking non-stop in a room that is silent — time to find a new room.
10. If your team doesn’t win, it’s not the end of the world.
Remember, it’s a football game. There’s always next season. If your team loses and you’re being a bitch about it, guess what, NO ONE is going to want to watch sports with you. We’re all adults here (unless you’re a child, in which case I’m wondering, “Why are you reading this? Go read something real.”)
Regardless, it’s going to be a great day filled with good food, good football and good company. GO HAWKS!
PS- Thank you all so much for reading and sharing! It really does mean a lot to me.
Can you even believe that football season is almost over?? The Super Bowl is in LESS THAN A MONTH OMG THERE’S ALSO A VELVEETA SHORTAGE WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!?!!!!!
I had this grand idea to write about the playoffs, but I realized that I don’t really understand how the playoffs work…so, I’ll do what I do best: Judge people based on their looks!
Before you get your orange and blue panties in a twist (yes, Broncos fans please calm down, you just started reading this) these are my rankings of the starting quarterbacks based on their hotness (in my brain, which who even knows what’s going on in there). I checked ESPN, they haven’t done this yet, so I need to cash in on this huge journalistic opportunity. HERE WE GO!
Mike Glennon – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Starting us off is Buccaneers quarterback, Mike Glennon, aka: a pencil with a worn off eraser. It’s almost incredible that he’s that white for living in Tampa, Florida.
Peyton Manning – Denver Broncos
This is horrible, but is that actually Sloth from The Goonies?
Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions
This looks like a guy who would have made fun of me in high school. No, YOU don’t know how to throw the footbAHHHHHHll!!!!!!
Ryan Fitzpatrick – Tennessee Titans
I think the beard-loving women will disagree with me on this one, but I just can’t even.
Matt Schaub – Houston Texans
This was literally the best picture I could find of this guy. Hi, could I get a side of derp with my quarterback?
Ben Roethlisberger – Pittsburgh Steelers
This guy sort of terrifies me.
Eli Manning – New York Giants
Eli Manning got the better looks in the family, but only slightly.
Jay Cutler – Chicago Bears
This guy looks high in every single photo. Seriously, Google “Jay Cutler Bears”. I’ll wait.
Carson Palmer – Arizona Cardinals
Without his mustache, this guy is okay. With the mustache, I get all itchy and uncomfortable.
Drew Brees – New Orleans Saints
Oh, Drew. How I wish you were hotter. Placing you at #23 hurts me a little inside.
Nick Foles – Philadelphia Eagles
This guy looks like a slightly hotter version of a McPoyle brother.
Chad Henne – Jacksonville Jaguars
Joe Flacco – Baltimore Ravens
Alex Smith – Kansas City Chiefs
This guy scares me, but I kind of like it?
Geno Smith – New York Jets
Finally, we get some hot black men!
Ryan Tannehill – Miami Dolphins
I can see why those two Dolphins fans showed up in Speedos. I’m getting a little hot and bothered myself!
Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers
I want to put on a Speedo and high dive right into his beautiful blue eyes.
Kirk Cousins – Washington Redskins
This is going to sound weird, but this guy has a strong nose…and I like it..?
Andrew Luck – Indianapolis Colts
Hey bro, you want to go get some beers? Ah, yeah man, that’s cool (I love you.).
Thad Lewis – Buffalo Bills
Yes, please. Thad’ll do! (To save you time, I just punched myself in the face)
Matt Cassel – Minnesota Vikings
Matt Cassel looks like he could fit a whole apple in his beautiful mouth. He’s like a really hot human turtle.
Tony Romo – Dallas Cowboys
Ugh, I know. A. He’s a Cowboy. B. He broke Jessica Simpson’s heart (UNFORGIVABLE), but he’s undeniably attractive and that’s why he’s sitting just outside of the top 10.
Tom Brady – New England Patriots
OHMYGOD I knowwwwwwww!!! But to call this guy “ugly” would be a lie. Plus his Google search yielded some really beautiful results.
Terrelle Pryor – Oakland Raiders
*New Desktop Background*
Andy Dalton – Cincinnati Bengals
Kiss me, you’re Irish!
Jason Campbell – Cleveland Browns
I’ll forgive the chinstrap beard…for now.
Sam Bradford – St. Louis Rams
AWWWW, seriously though, I can’t get over how cute this guy is. I just want to cuddle him.
Philip Rivers – San Diego Chargers
I don’t think this guy is capable of taking a serious picture, but tell someone who gives a shit.
Colin Kaepernick – San Francisco 49ers
He’s so hot, but is he? His body is amazing, but his face looks like someone hit the “CTRL” + “-” signs. We’re not in total butterface territory, but let’s just say we’re approaching the city limits.
Matt Ryan – Atlanta Falcons
For the life of me, I can’t explain my attraction to Matt Ryan, but he will be mine just as soon as I get the courage to travel to Atlanta.
Russell Wilson – Seattle Seahawks
If the NFL was made up of stuffed animals, Russell Wilson would no doubt be the teddy bear. Guaranteed he squeaks if you press his belly.
Cam Newton – Carolina Panthers
Last but not least, Cam Newton. I’m not sure if it’s his smile, or the fact that he was my Fantasy Football quarterback, but he’s my number 1. He’s just so beautiful! MARRY ME!
Cam Newton – Carolina Panthers
Now, I ask of you, what do you think of these rankings? What would you change? Are Broncos fans about to burn my house down? Will my top 2 play each other in the Super Bowl? Will this post ever end?